Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
