There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
