and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
