I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I wish i was in the wii world.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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