You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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