Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
