first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
