Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
