Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
