and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
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i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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