totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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