Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Randomize
