lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
