Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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