i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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