I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
