Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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