Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
