I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
