When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
