a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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