I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
