can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
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Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
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Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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