Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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