you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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