I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
