I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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