She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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