how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
