One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
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