i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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