At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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