two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
