explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Send help, water and tortillas.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
