just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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