i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
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Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
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I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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