A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
