Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
