I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish I only lived at night.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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