**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize