i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
