i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
