So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize