now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
