listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
