You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He did a backflip because drugs
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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