I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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