My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
