Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
