I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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