my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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