there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
