I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
