So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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